Mating Habits of Desperate Female Gym Rats
by beezyland
Summary: The one where Austin, Emily and Payson watch and commentate as Lauren, Kelly Parker and the boys have it out on the dance floor. CRACK-FIC


Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to MIOBI. If I did, during the dance scene we would have gotten reaction shots of Emily, Austin and Payson throughout or had them looking bewildered in the background and it would have been genius.

A/N: I really should be sleeping, but I had to. The writing is kinda lazy and shitty, but I really, really had to. God bless everyone who had a hand in making that scene. Can you imagine the director all, like, "Yeah, Nicole, good. Now thrust your fingers through his hair! Thrust like you mean it!" ROFLMAO

All I know is I want to try whatever the writers were trippin' on when they wrote that and then party with them and I'm sure it would be the best night I'd never remember. ABC Family has never made me laugh so hard.

Warning: Super OOC, laced with crack and I love it.

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><p>-XX-<p>

**Mating Habits of Desperate Female Gym Rats **

"Oh God. She just touched his hair," Emily winces. Trying to distract herself from all her current worries, Emily made the fatal mistake of glancing over at the dance floor. Then she spotted Carter with Kelly and Lauren and Max not too far away. Before she could look away, the dancing began and now Emily is stuck and staring.

Pulling his seat closer towards her, Austin follows Emily's eyes and chuckles. "This should be good."

"Austin, she's _touching his hair_," Emily repeats. With her tone, she might as well have told him the world was ending.

"Yeah," Austin says. He runs his fingers through his own hair just to make sure that thing on Carter's head isn't contagious. When he finds it soft and styled to perfection, Austin relaxes. "What is with that thing? It isn't working for him. He might as well just shave it all off."

"I heard he tried and his hair ate the scissors," Emily says. "It _ate _the scissors."

Austin snorts. "No way."

"When we worked at the pizza shack together the manager would always tell him to put a hair net on and he would, but ten seconds later, I'd look over at him and it'd be gone," Emily says. "I think it ate those too."

"Emily, that's ridicul—"

Suddenly Kelly does a failed head-roll thing and Austin chokes on his drink, mid-sip, coughing and sputtering. Without looking away from the dancers, Emily pats his back soothingly.

"Wh—what the hell did she just do?" Austin snorts, captivated by what he sees.

"I think Kelly Parker went into epileptic shock."

The Denver gymnast then shakes her head with a wicked smirk, pushing her fingers through her hair.

"Nope. I think she recovered," Austin says, leaning back into his seat once he calms down, "Though she might have just transferred whatever is living in Carter's hair to hers. They don't grow them too smart in Denver, do they?"

"I like to think there's something in the water," Emily replies.

As the two Rock gymnasts look on, Lauren starts grinding down on Max. Shit's getting serious.

"Are you two seriously just sitting here and watch…whatever that is? Am I the only one who doesn't think that's a good idea at all?" Payson asks, sitting in the empty chair beside Austin. She glances over at the Dance floor where Lauren and Max are. Lauren with her swiveling hips, swaying blonde hair and Max behind her, a dazed look in his eyes and a goofy grin on his face.

"She's in good hands. Max is a good guy. They're just having fun," Austin says. He leans over to Payson and smiles knowingly at her. "Hmm, why wouldn't you think it's a good idea?"

Payson turns her eyes down and blushes, making Austin's smile turn to a smirk, confirming his suspicions. "Because…because our gym already has enough of a reputation. We don't need Lauren going all dirty dancing. I don't think the media would see it as just fun."

"You're sure taking your surrogate coach thing seriously," Emily says. She's so entranced by what's going on out on the dance floor that she doesn't even pick up on Austin's implication and Payson's failed deflection.

When Kelly Parker bends over and comes back up in front of Carter, the three share a wince, jerking backwards in their seats.

"And that's a mental image I never wanted burned into my skull," Payson murmurs.

Lauren hooks her leg around Max's hip and dips backwards, shimmying her shoulders.

"I take that back," Payson says. "_That _topped it."

"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little," Austin gulps.

"It's like a car crash on the side of a highway and all the other cars slow down and cause traffic to see what's happening," Emily says, watching the dancing battle through her fingers as if it were a scary movie. "I just can't look away."

And none of them dare look away, watching as Kelly tugs roughly on Carter's tie.

"I think she just gave him whiplash," Payson comments. "Forget car crash. It's more like train wreck."

"This is more like a Animal Planet special on the mating habits of desperate female gym rats," Austin says. As if suddenly realizing something, he then frantically starts looking from side to side. "Where did Max leave that camera? This so needs to be documented. Why is no one filming this?"

Austin stands up, but without moving their eyes away from the dance floor, Payson and Emily each grab a shoulder and pull him back down into his seat. They all stare for another good fifteen seconds and it's completely silent. It starts with Austin, a soft chuckle beneath his breath, and then Emily joins in with a giggle and then Payson before the three are laughing hysterically, clutching their sides and near tears.

"I need…I need…t—to get o—out," Payson says between laughs. "Can't…breathe."

"Same here," Emily say, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes.

"Whoa, Lauren just kicked the heels off," Austin cheers, leaning across the table as if that little action would give him a better view. "It's going down now."

"I don't think that dress was made for break dancing," Emily says worriedly.

"I don't think it really matters. She's going for it anyways," Austin says.

"No. I refuse to sit here and watch this any longer. We're done."

Austin groans in disappointment. "Payson…"

"We're done," Payson says firmly, standing from her chair. "Come on, Em."

"Yeah, I could use another drink," Emily says, standing too.

"Emily, not you too," Austin groans, still in his seat and looking forward. "It's just getting good…whoa. What the hell? Did that just…what's going on? Kelly's necklace is between Carter's teeth. He's biting her necklace…and—" Austin is interrupted by a loud tearing sound and the room goes silent, "…guys, did that just…"

"Yup," Payson says. "Carter just ripped his pants trying to do the splits."

Emily grimaces. "And he isn't wearing anything under those pants…at all."

Payson groans. "Great. More scarring mental images."

"Yeah…I'm over this," Austin says, quickly standing. "Sooo, ladies, drinks? Let's go get some drinks far, _far_ from here."

As they turn and start to walk away, Emily clears her throat. "Just to be clear, we're never talking about what we saw here _ever_."

Austin and Payson both nod and in unison, say, "Agreed."

Sadly, they don't get far enough to miss Kelly shrieking irritably and stomping her feet as Lauren screams, "Ha! You got served, _bitch_!" right at Carter.

Scarring mental images galore.

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><p><span>AN: The combination of my mental issues and the fact that it's nearly 4 AM resulted in this. Amusing or disturbing? Your call. Review.

xoxo


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